he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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