I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
