Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I just had sex on a roof
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
