yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
