i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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