Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
im six kinds of drunk right now
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Randomize
