All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Randomize