dude i'm inner monologue high
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
as a side note pls kill me
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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