Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
420 ftw
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I need to stop coming to work sober
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
