Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
