OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Randomize
