I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
