She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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