I like my sex mixed with concussions.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
