You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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