everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
