can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
hell yes lets make some ravioli
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
