1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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