Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize