so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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