oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
