I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
