I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
