Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
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