Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
