ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
