just tell him i said nine months
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I checked into jail on foursquare
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
