Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
