Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
