yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
