I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I wish you could order shots online.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
