If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Dear god my vagina.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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