I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
