I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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