You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
