i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
