I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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