so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
