Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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