I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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