you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
