It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
