There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
