I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize