after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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