Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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