Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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