I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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