he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
