I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize