Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Randomize
