is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
