He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Randomize