You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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