he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
