i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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