You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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