I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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