That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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