I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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